Often we see several posts, blogs and advice to women to take a stand in abusive marriages. We have also seen opinions where it is completely justified for a woman to walk out on her husband, if he has been unfair, dominating, violent and perhaps just incompatible. We have also seen a movie named Thappad, where the protagonist drives a message of ending the marriage when you lose dignity, even if it is after one slap.
Breaking up a sacred bond is highly debatable, however, there is also no point in tying two persons together only legally, where the relationship and mutual respect is virtually dead. Women may find it perhaps easier to end marriage in today’s times, because most of the matrimonial laws favour the female gender.
A woman gets maintenance till the matter is pending at court, one time alimony even if no charges against husband are proven, right to matrimonial home, child custody in 99% cases, others. The law favours women to such an extent where they may also choose to live separately from their husbands without divorce, yet get life long maintenance, because they had been once married to the man.
However, what happens to Men who may be suffering a bad marriage? What are the choices husbands have? Until you experience the same, one always believes that a man can walk out of the marriage and get re-married at any point in time. Is that really the case or a mere myth spread by feminists and their portals?
If we analyse the matrimonial laws in India, Men have been left with no legal recourse in the true sense. The most common shocker that men – who choose to file divorce on grounds of cruelty – get from their wives, is a rebound case of Dowry Harassment (Section 498A) or Domestic Violence against him and his family.
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Besides a battery of cases, men also have to pay through their nose to their wives, lawyers, other parties involved until the legal battle continues, which could run into decades. In almost all cases, it is extremely difficult for Men to get full custody of their children, and they may be just lucky if women permit them to meet with the kids after separation.
Amidst these challenges, we posted a question to our readers a few days ago. We asked,
If you are suffering an abusive marriage, what should you do? 1) Keep suffering due to threat of fake cases, alimony, losing custody of children? 2) Take a stand & walk out despite future consequences Its tricky, but all comments welcome #SpeakUpMen #MenToo #GenderBiasedLaws
If you are suffering an abusive marriage, what should you do?
1) Keep suffering due to threat of fake cases, alimony, losing custody of children?
2) Take a stand & walk out despite future consequences
— Men’s Day Out (@MensDayOutIndia) December 22, 2020
Here are some of the responses we have collated from our twitter handle. This is for all those men who have been battling the trauma and this dilemma silently. Often, men cannot open up to their parents or friends about the immense harassment they may be facing at home at the hands of their wives. Some men even choose to keep working late at office or on weekends, to be away from taunts, abuses and violence by their wives.
Below responses may just help you to make your choice! Many of these men are fighting or have successfully ended an abusive marriage.
Most of the men stick to option 1 for few years and they take stand only when criminal cases are filed on them and they go to jail …. sad reality ….. abusing wife will anyway file fake cases no matter what you do keep her happy …. this is what happened to me.
While @ambar_hitman said,
Walk out with carefully planned exit strategy, and know that the next 4-5 years will be full of suffering and hardships, but way better than the torture and abuse you suffer by staying in an abusive marriage. It takes a lot of patience and strong will to walk out.
Many men stay in abusive marriages fearing the loss of their property or money. Remember that if you stay alive and mentally healthy, you can buy properties again even if you lose them. But once you lose your mental health, it can’t be repaired easily. Walk out of it.
Many stay just for their children. This is another mistake. You will not be doing children any favour by giving them, abusive parents. Leave them and fight for custody or shared parenting. Men need to start being selfish for once in their life for their own sanity.
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The issue is that neither custody nor shared parenting is realistically obtained quickly, if at all. Until then, children are stuck with the abuser if the parent just leaves them there, instead of at least taking them.
2nd this. Also, let’s NOT forget the mother who gets custody invariably poisons the child against his/her father (May not be true 100% but atleast 80% of the time). Unfortunately, given our #GenderBaisedLaws it is rare that a father gains custody of their child.
No need to suffer and stay with abusive relationships, but don’t forget to stick with the child. Because we can walk away with the devil relationships but we have to fight for our child, we can’t make our child mind same as wife thinking. Think future of own life and child.
@Yashas shared about his real situation,
I’m also in confusion on what to do. For the baby sake, I’m just holding back. Second time I faced the drama I sent her back to in-laws house. Currently sending necessary things for the baby doing online order. I’m sure I will face false cases as she’s money minded and law lecturer.
2) stand up and walk out. silence emboldens the tormentor and no one deserves a tortured mind.
Men should start walking out of marriages just like wives do. No point in protecting and providing.
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While @aalu_bhata thinks,
LAW does not support walking out from failed relationship. Staying in failed relationship is like dying every day. It there is no companionship, mutual respect, trust, love between two, one must walk out asap.”
However walking out is not easy for men. He has to face all false allegations on himself as well as on his family members including mother, father, sister, brother, false domestic violence, false dowry harassment, false rape/sexual harassment, etc.
1) Politely ask her is she wants a break or wants to step out of marriage to “explore” 2) Politely tell her that you respect her “emotions” and ask her to mutually sign the divorce and promise to help her through the process. 3) Once done, Block her, Uncash and leave the country.
Flawed thinking. No talking about settlement for alimony. No talking about who will have custody of children. You have just taken a sample of men who just got married and want to get separated. Moreover the society is more to be blame here. The Indian society sees separated males and females as failures in social life. The burden for participating in dead marriage is equal on females and males. Stoicism never works in marriage. Don’t embrace hardship, insults and betrayal in marriages.
While @Indic_Soul suggested,
Read laws, record evidence, make a foolproof strategy, don’t blindly trust, walkout… if you sink, make her sink with you also.
2) Take a stand & walkout despite future consequence. No!!! Suffering is not an option. You have to fight. You have future, don’t waste it in custody or in suffering. Fight!!! Fight and only fight.
No one needs or deserves to suffer an abusive relationship. The earlier the separation the better. Fight for your legitimate rights and go ahead for more peace and serenity.!
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Walkout. Probably will take time and need to carefully consider the consequences especially if there are children involved. But walkout eventually. Don’t make this the rest of your life. Everyone deserves to live.
Straight and simple. Walkout. As long as you continue to live with the abuser, there may be more mental and physical torture than fake cases. Plus the cases are temporary and peace would be forever.
While @neutralist1111 suggested,
Second option, Either way, you are suffering, suffer the pain that gives you freedom from abuse & abusive wife.
@SahilSingh1420 went on to say,
Try to stay away from such kind of relationship or marriage, but if you are stuck into it try to gather proof of your innocence as much as you can, because after filing divorce (you won’t get any proof), then fight for yourself and move on. Be selfish till you get divorce.
While @GangsterBrasi chose,
Option 2 if it’s taking a toll on mental and physical well being and makes us incapable of leading a normal functioning lifestyle. Never mind the consequences…continuing there wasn’t helping either. So brace yourself for war for some years and hope to live in peace thereof.
First try to counsel and understand the nature of indifference. Somethings can’t be compromised and make it clear. If her nature is repeated despite counselling and in-depth discussion about consequences, then it’s better to leave abusive partner and marriage. it’s better to take cautious decision by keeping in mind long and healthy life. Whenever in doubt always choose LIFE over wife. Marriage is important part of life but remember it’s a part of life not ‘Life’”.
Give yourself a redline/timeline, if the line is crossed, move on….always remember…. you can do better !!
And @Mahendra_b6 said,
Man should discuss this with their parents and siblings ..their support is necessary to remove himself from the abuse. He should remember that before marriage for at least 2 decades right from his birth Family only meant parents and siblings. My friend was fortunate enough and remembered how it was like with his family members and with enough support he was able to pull himself out. Still recovering though… poor fellow.
@bytecrack taking out points, mentioned,
Mens have started going #mgtow due to #GenderBiasedLaws and getting neglected at all levels in the process.
While @Nitin_Puri1 answered presenting the perspective of a father,
Will Wait for the Children to Grow up …
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Option 2 looks righteous but considering the pathetic state of our judiciary (and blood clinching advocates), Option 1 is practical.
Calling out fake cases, @Raos85432330 tweeted,
Men can fear #fakecases & continue with the pain. This does not reduce the possibility of #fakecases on them & suffering of their children. Or they may embrace #geniunecases and get rid of the misery once and for all. Sadly #GenderBiasedLaws provides only such option to men.
मुझे ऐसा लगता है पहले कि अपेक्षा ससुराल वालों को कानून की ज्यादा जानकारी हो गयी है इसलिए लड़कियां पहले दिन से ही वो सब करने लगती है जिसकी जरूरत नही है। एक बार लड़की का थाने पहुंचने के बाद उसे घर लाना खतरा ही है।
(I feel like compared to the old days, the bride’s family knows a lot of laws today. Hence, woman behaves differently since the first day of her marriage. It’s really difficult to expect the normal wife after the matter reached police station)
One has to take a stand and take decisions accordingly.
@ABinning added further and said
Good for you. These things play out over a few years, but it does wind down and you will have a chance at life based on things you value. The challenge will be discovering what gives you happiness, and over time, aligning yourself with these values.
If you read once about NPD you will know why abusive partners will try everything to make your life miserable and will not allow you to walk out. Seeing someone in misery is their oxygen, so their life is dependent on keeping you miserable. Unless you have a hefty amount to put into their wide-open mouth.
Take a walk out and get back your freedom! Let’s not sacrifice the freedom and self-respect for others.
As per the cultural, social and legal scenario, men have no option but to bear it or bleed money. Men love their as much, if not more. Very few have the option to walk. We all know what taking the legal option would mean for the men.
If you have children then figure out what’s best for the children, yourself, and then even for the abusive spouse in that order. In short, do what’s best for all of them, but in that order.
Toxic relationship/marriage मे कौन रहना चाहता है दोस्त, हम उन्हें इसलिए सहते है क्योंकि हम अपने बच्चों से दूर नहीं जाना चाहते, आप ही कोई सुझाव दीजिए” (Who wants to live in a toxic relationship? We’re only there for our children. It’s because we don’t want to live away from them. Please do help us.
I will go with 1. Coz opt.2 is having the same fate.
Walkout and have an exit strategy.
In both cases, it’s the man who suffers.
@vizagvijay59 spoke about an acquaintance’s choice,
My friend went for 2nd choice and I stand supported for him.
@kapoor_nit cutting the chase said,
While @author_krish stated,
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@ChayanC23376523 expressed anger,
At first want to give a tight slap to these biased laws makers. It is shameful that men have to think of the consequences even if he is right and the victim. I have completed lost my faith in the judiciary system of my country.
If we stand for our justice and wanna try to come out then our law will not help us. Sometimes I think can suicide will help me to come out from this trouble but then I think about parents… #givesomeidea #tiredwiththesituation
@inspiringmen_ supported the idea of,
Walkout and fight. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional #FightForMen to change #GenderBiasedLaws.
He should walk out and fight for his freedom Even men are humans and have rights equivalent to Pseudo-Feminists.
मुझे ऐसा लगता है अगर मौका देकर या बात करके थोड़ा से भी कुछ सही हो सकता है तो दो कदम पीछे जाना या अपना घर बचाना गलत नही है । और अगर सब कुछ करने के बाद भी बात नही बन रही है तो फिर जंग का आगाज कर देना चाहिये ।“ (I think that if things can be sorted out by communicating, then it’s the best thing. However, after even trying every thing, nothing is happening, then there’s no point sticking to the marriage. Just walkout.)